Thursday, December 5, 2013

A Mat in the Snow {Unspoken Truth Spoken Everywhere}

I live a lie.  
It dwells in my mind, runs through my blood and stains my whole life with its color.  The problem is...I like the lie.  I nurture it and cling to it for all I am worth.  It goes unquestioned with those around me; it feels as though the fabric of the universe would come unraveled if I were to let it go.

That lie is this:  I am in control.

Nowhere has its fraudulence been more revealed than in the last two days by driving in the blizzard, snow and ice conditions with my sweet sixteen year old... 

Of course I want her to learn to drive competently in all weather conditions, so, as we've had lots of inclement road conditions lately, I knew I needed to let her feel what they were like.  The problem came as I realized I really prefer to be in the driver's seat, not the passenger's.  To sit in the passenger's seat is to give up all control.  It is to have nothing to steer nor the ability to slam on the brakes when I sense danger.  It is to be carried on by the moment and not brood over past mistakes or worry about what lurks around the next corner.  It is to sit and try to enjoy the ride.  It is to, (on some level), trust the driver.

As I took my place as a passenger in the car, a picture came to mind.  It was a picture of a yoga mat.  I remembered my teachers' words as we would start class sitting on our mats..."leave everything else at the door", "let go of all the stuff you think you need to attend to", "trust that the mat will hold you", "be present on the mat - not thinking about the past or worrying about the future".  In my words....create a space where I let go of needing to be in control, of believing I am in control, of WANTING to be in control and simply be in the moment and do what it calls for.

However, what may seem simple on the mat, is more difficult in the reality of our lived-out days.  I realized my mat-vision was also true of the place I found myself these last two mornings.  In the passenger seat I could practice the truth that I am not in control.  I could, in my mind, lay my mat down in the snow or on the seat of the car (and get on it!!) and remember that I am not in charge of the world...nor of the driving going on around me...and I don't have to be.  {I happen to give mental ascent to this being a true statement in every aspect of my life, but being in a car with a sixteen year old driver in extreme winter conditions just brought me squarely face-to-face with the fact that I don't really believe it!!} 

So these last two mornings I practiced challenging the lie that I am in control.  I sat in a space where that deep desire didn't get to have all the power.  The lie did not leave me (after all, it's kind of like a family member by now), but it did quiet down...and, it didn't have to drive me (did you see that pun??)

***By the way, no people were harmed in the practicing of the theory that I may not be in sixteen year old did a great job!!!

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